And oh my god. Von found this website and gave it to me.
HOW TO GET SICK!
Just read it okay.

Step1 Eat your food without washing your hands, especially after you go to
the bathroom.

Step2 Seek out little toddlers or babies who have streams of neon green
snot running from their button noses and kiss them. Drink from their little
sippy cups and eat their half eaten crackers.

Step3 Drink and eat until you are bloated at every meal. Select the
greasiest foods you can find and drink only soda; absolutely no water.

Step4 Stop flossing your teeth and brushing as well. In fact, forget
about showering altogether.

Step5 Hang out at crowded places, especially when you know there is a
virus going around. Try to hug as many people that you come in contact with.

Step6 Go swimming in the hot afternoon sun and skip the sunscreen.
Don't drink any water; three or four cans of soda will be fine though. Put on
your winter parka after.

Step7 Stay up as late as you can for as many days as you can. And rise
as early as you can each following day.

Step8 Take up smoking. If you already are a smoker, try three
cigarettes at one time or chew tobacco as you smoke.

Step9 Stop cleaning your house, live in filth and use dirty dishes.

Step10 Shake hands with people you know have the flu or the cold. Make
sure you don't wash your hands and make yourself a bologna sandwich after and
eat it immediately.

Step11 Eat spoiled foods or expired food. Spoiled dairy products are
especially effective. Another sure winner is raw meat that has a slight tinge of
green.

Step12 Get angry all the time and sweat about every small thing in
life.